Goodbye Forever?
by madisonhannah
Summary: What if Bella did have to say goodbye forever to Edward? How would her life be when she didn't have him in it?


I sat there,alone.

The anguish that I felt run through my body was unbearable. My heart had been ripped out of my chest and my life would never be the same without him. I felt the same as I had done that very first day that edward, I trembled as I spoke his name, walked out of my life; numb with pain and full of confusement. Did he no longer loved me? Or was he simply trying to protect me? I had asked myself this question every day since the fateful day where my entire world collapsed around me. Did he not see how lost I was without him? I missed everything about him; his unbelievable beauty, his soft touch against my skin, the way he would lay his lips on mine. I had held out hope for many, many months. I would constantly tell myself that he would realise what an awful mistake he had made and would waltz back into my life as easily as he had left it. Maybe for him it wasnt a mistake. I tried not to think about that.

After six months my hope had diminished a little, but I still held some. The next six months were the worst; more sleepness nights, full of tossing and turning, waking up every hour to see if by some miracle he had drifted in through my window and was lying there next to me as he had done previously. Every time I woke, I was alone, as I had been before he came into my life. I was destined to be alone, I only wanted to share my life with him and as the years dragged on I slowly began to realise that he wasnt coming back. That hurt the most. He was probably out there telling some beautiful vampire girls exactly what he had told me. I was his "exact brand of heroin", for the time being I was adequate, but I was sure that he would have moved on, unlike I, who could not go a day without him passing through my mind.

I often sat and replayed all the time we had spent together in my mind. The meadow that was beyond idyllic, the romantic moments cuddling in my bed. I hadn't minded how cold he was because when I was with him my heart was full of warmth. that had been all that mattered, those precious moments. I tried getting angry, how dare he leave me like that? I had offered my soul to him. All the times I spent with him I was putting myself in danger but I did it everyday and most nights. Why? Because I was utterly in love with this boy. Could he not see how much he meant to me? Everything.

As I drifted off to sleep, the phone rang. I was back living with Charlie now. I had been to college. Alaska, as me and Edward had once talked about. I had been offered a place at Harvard but I knew that there was a remote chance that Edward would attend Alaska and that maybe, just maybe we would have a class together. That would be the start of something between us, I knew if only I could talk to him that I would be able to get him back, no matter how stubborn he was. I also imagined this often. I had every tiny, minute detail envisaged in my head. It would begin in the cafeteria on the very first day. He would be getting to the food counter just as I was joining the ever-lasting que and by chance I would glance over, and that beautiful head of hair would catch my attention, just as it had on my first day at Forks high school. He held my glare for a few moments before turning round to place himself beside Alice at their table. I looked down as he angelically swivelled round, hoping, praying that he wouldn't see me. Lunch would pass and he would again be constantly in my thoughts. Then I would slowly trudge off to my next lecture and as I walked in the door way, there he would be, at a table, alone, and my heart fluttered and I nearly passed out. But I stood strong and walked back out of the cafeteria, double checking that I was in the right place, and to my astonishment I would be. I entered the class room and was placed next to him and thats when I would wake up. Everytime I thought of this I was angry with myself. It was ridiculous to allow myself to let my imagination run so wild. He would never be mine again, never be my Edward Cullen, never be my life saver.

Anyhow after college I got a place of my own, but the emptiness in the flat was matched to that of the one in my heart. I couldnt bare the thought of every night returning to my home, to sit there wallowing in self pity. When Charlie had offered me to go back and stay with him in Forks I had jumped at the chance. Literally. I nearly knocked him over as I hung onto his neck like a small child, so thankful to him. I moved back into my old house, my old life within a week. There was only one difference. No Edward. At first I thought it would be a good thing for me, to have memories and to be happy that I had spent that time with him, not sad that it was over. This was not the case. I regularly sat outside the Cullen's old place of residence, wondering what my life would be like if I was really a member of their family. Of course they said they always thought of me as part of it, but I wasnt. I was a human.

Charlie called up the stairs "Bella, Bella, Bells, Bells", his voice was becoming more and more agitated every time he howled my name. "It's Mike, he wants to speak with you".

I grumbled as I walked down the stairs. I was not in the mood for one of Mike's weekly rants about his lack of love life or trying to make a difference to mine. I was unable to understand why he couldn't grasp that I wanted no one but Edward, was it that hard to see? I had been single for almost seven years now, although I had had offers, I refused them. I felt as if I was betraying him if I was to date another, afterwards I always felt stupid, he had left me not the other way around, I was free to do whatever I liked.

However this conversation was different to the others, Mike didnt want to talk about his latest conquest or my lack of conquests. He wanted to speak about my birthday. It would be my 25th in a couple of weeks and like every other birthday I've ever had in my entire life, I did not want any fuss, presents or surprises, unless it was that Edward was back to save me from the clutches of depression. Of course this was impossible so I wanted nothing at all. Did Mike not remember my strong dislike for birthdays? He had been my friend for god knows how many years and he still persisted every year that we did something.

"Hello?" i croaked

"Sorry did I wake you up?"

"No... Well yeah but dont worry about it."

"So bells, its your birthday in 26 days."

I didnt even know the exact amount of days it would be until my birthday. Things like this made me wonder about Mike's true feelings. He claimed to be over his little crush but every so often he would so something that made me wonder.

"Mike you know I hate fuss."

"I refuse for you to spend this birthday doing nothing, I will pick you up and take you for dinner. I wanted to ask you early so you were free as I know you will have many a person requesting your company."

I laughed at his sarcasim, one attribute of Mike that had made me keep in touch with him after school, his ability to make me laugh.

"Great" I replied, trying not to sound like I was being to fake.

"See you soon Bells."

Wonderful. I had just booked in for a night of fake smiles and fuss. Exactly what I had wanted to avoid. I tried doing as many normal things as I could manage, to assure Charlie that I was fine. He only ever saw me and Edward as a stupid high school romance, which made me angry. I always thought that we were destined to be together but time had proved that maybe Charlie was right.

"What did he want?" charlie asked inquisitively

"Oh just birthday arrangments." I replied still in my own world.

That was where I preferred to be these days; in my own world. My wounds were still cut deep and one small thing could trigger off a critical bleed that would take me back to where I had started. However, I often thought that I was worse now than I ever had been. I just couldnt grasp how things had come to an end so suddenly. If I had known that I were to only have limited time with him I would have said so much more, done so much more, invested so much more into it. I had always thought I had put everything I had into "us" but I soon realised that I could have avoided so many petty arguments. Of course back then, I truly believed we had forever.

CHAPTER TWO

The days seemed to pass a lot more quickly than they had done in previous years, as it was because I was dreading the night of my birthday. Before I could look around, it had arrived. Charlie had granted my wishes, and treated it exactly the same as every other day only wishing me a happy birthday, but no presents like I'd asked. I was grateful to him for this.


End file.
